Meanwhile, Serena's back in the Upper East Side with Charlie/Ivy, who's avoiding Carol's calls (unsurprisingly). Charlie/Ivy isn't convinced that everyone will be pleased to see "the psychotic freak" back in town - no, really? But Serena promises to keep Charlie/Ivy's return a secret from Carol.
Sure enough, when Blair shows up for breakfast she's not entirely thrilled to see Charlie/Ivy (Serena: "Look who I brought back with me!" Blair: "OK, and why?") But she's magnanimous enough to agree to let Charlie/Ivy stay - maybe she has other things on her mind? Anyway, Dorota pulls Blair off to find out the father, though Blair's more interested in shopping. Oh, and she won't be able to model in the Jenny Packham fashion show with Serena now.
When she's gone, Serena thinks it's time to tell Lily about Charlie/Ivy, though she decides to "prime" her mother first and introduce Charlie/Ivy later. The only problem is that Lily - still under house arrest, by the way - gets a call from Carol. Turns out Carol stopped a Charlie/Ivy cheque and wants to track her down, though of course she keeps that secret from Lily. But in the meantime, Lily does the very unhelpful thing of inviting Carol to come and stay. Hmm.
So when Serena goes to speak to Lily, her mother asks her straight away about Carol. Serena insists that Charlie/Ivy is fine now, but Lily refuses to play any part in deceiving Carol (before she even knows that Charlie/Ivy is in New York). Of course, in true Gossip Girl fashion, Charlie/Ivy arrives at just this moment and overhears.
She's not one for sticking things out, Charlie/Ivy, so she calls Max and tells him she's going to come to Portland after all. Serena's not too happy when she hears about this, but Charlie explains that though New York is her dream, she doesn't belong. So Serena hands Charlie/Ivy her Jenny Packham tickets and asks her to return them on her way to the bus station. She has a sly face on, though - I think Serena might just have a plan, here!
Well, yes, she does. When Charlie arrives at the fashion show, it turns out that Serena has arranged for her to take her place. And waiting in Charlie's dress is a little note telling her to live her dreams. Aww, how lovely, etc. But it's not going to be that easy, of course. Rufus has managed to secure an early release for Lily and she's going to come to the show. That means she'll miss Carol's arrival, so Rufus tells her to get Carol to meet them there. UH OH.
Elsewhere, Nate's going to start his first day working for Diana at The Spectator. Before he leaves, Chuck warns that Diana has basically just hired him for sex. Harsh, but is he right? Well, yes. When he gets to the office, Diana's first job for Nate is to make her scream (cringe). Nate's not too comfortable about the audience, so Diana does what any normal boss would do and fires the entire staff. Somehow, this makes Nate smile. WHAT? She is awful.
Diana's sponsoring the Jenny Packham show to help rebrand The Spectator and suggests that every guest has to hand in their cellphones and cameras to avoid leaks. She wants to, um, "celebrate" her decision with Nate, but he's starting to get fed up. He points out that he could get a proper job, but he just wanted to do something without his family. So Diana relents and asks him to interview his friends - a politician and his wife - at the party.
Meanwhile, Dan's still trying to make Chuck feel something, so he buys him a dog. Naturally. Although to be honest, the dog is all kinds of cute. Anyway, Chuck is not so impressed, but Dan can't take the dog back to the pound - he has to go and knock this book of his on the head, and he is going to get his old mentor Noah Shapiro to help him.
But when Dan goes to visit Noah to tell him that Simon & Schuster (nice) are about to publish the book, Noah advises him to just keep quiet about it - who on Earth is going to read Dan's book? Dan agrees to do nothing and, after meeting Noah's agent Allesandra, he leaves - after all, he's got to catch up with a non-test-result-reading Blair.
Blair, by the way, is indulging in retail therapy while pretending to pick up the results, but Dan has not at all creepily been following her and forces her to go to the doctor. But Blair's still not keen to open the envelope until after an upcoming interview with Hello, so Dan offers to meet her afterwards to open it.
The only problem is that in the interview, the reporter inadvertently reveals that Louis said children are a long way off for him and he's not ready to be a father. Oh dear. And when Dan says he's running late, Blair can't bring herself to open the envelope (checking Gossip Girl and finding that Chuck's dumping that dog at the pound doesn't help either). She decides to distract herself by going to the Jenny Packham show after all and rips up the test results envelope.
As for Dan, he goes to see Noah after hearing that news of his book is still floating around. But Noah's not there - instead, Allesandra reveals that he's just about to launch a new novel and shows Dan. Oh wait, it's only Dan's book! Dum, dum, dum. Dan thinks this all seems so wrong but Chuck basically tells him to man up and claim the credit. If not, he has to just let it go and NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN. Basically, Chuck's bored.
At the fashion show, Blair turns up just as the model's assistant Jenny is handing in Charlie/Ivy's phone. Distracted by Blair (and who wouldn't be?) she just leaves it on the counter. Backstage, Blair is surprised to see Charlie/Ivy (I love her disdain), but when Charlie/Ivy reveals that she's going to leave because of her mother, Blair tells her to stay.
Charlie/Ivy explains that Carol has things she can hold over her head, but Blair points out that Charlie/Ivy must have stuff she can blackmail Carol about. God, it's like a light came on in Charlie/Ivy's head. Of course, pretty much as soon as Charlie/Ivy makes her entrance, she comes face to face with Carol.
Backstage, Carol announces that Charlie/Ivy has to leave and go back to her normal life, but Charlie/Ivy points out that hiring an actress to gain access to your daughter's trust fund might not necessarily go down too well with your family (or the authorities, for that matter). Charlie/Ivy's kind of keen to keep living the high life and anyway, everyone's been really nice to her. So if she's going down, Carol's going down too. Oo-er.
Meanwhile, Lily's adjusting to her freedom (turns out Upper East Side women do like a gossip about someone who's been released from house arrest - who knew?) and Nate's about to interview his friends. Just before he heads over, Diana explains that it's a lifestyle piece and advises him to ask about their summer in Mykonos.
Unfortunately, when Nate does so it rakes up some rather uncomfortable feelings - turns out the husband's cheating or something. Basically, in one innocent question Nate's ruined a marriage. Nice going, Nate. He takes all the blame from the couple, unfortunately. Oh, and Diana's been filming it all on her phone.
Nate naturally confronts Diana and discovers that she's basically planning to set herself up as a rival to Gossip Girl. He even works out that Diana got everyone to hand their phones in so she'd be the only one with the story. But why didn't she just check everyone's phones when they handed them in? Oh God, Nate, don't give her ideas. Of course, Diana thinks this is a brilliant plan and gets Nate to start thieving. He agrees, basically because he doesn't want to have to phone his mum for another job. Oh COME ON, Nate. Anyway, he's at least slightly good in that he doesn't take Blair or Dan's phone.
Speaking of that pair, Dan intercepts Blair's escort at the fashion show and hands her back the test results - turns out Dorota managed to tape it all back together again. But Blair doesn't want to find out the father - she says Chuck will always be Chuck, and Louis isn't ready. Dan gives up and tries to hand back the envelope, but it ends up in a bit of a tussle and eventually Blair accidentally pushes Dan over, and he falls into a waiter causing an almighty scene.
Outside, Dan apologises and admits that he was being so persistent because he was avoiding his own problems. But Blair confesses that she turned to Dan because she knew he would protect her from her own worst instincts (seriously, guys, get together already). Anyway, Dan said he was never ready to be a father but he fell in love when Milo was born (remember Milo, everyone?) And he promises to have the courage to face his problems if Blair faces hers. He walks off - HOW? I would be dying to know who the daddy was.
Anyway, in the most stunning scene of the episode, Blair goes to see Chuck to tell him that she's pregnant. Is it his? No, turns out Louis is the father - she just wanted Chuck to hear it from her. Chuck pretends not to care, though of course he does. And is Blair a bit surprised when she discovers that he kept the dog after all? Turns out he was just taking him to the pound to get him snipped (oh, how appropriate).
But let's focus on the major lines, like when Chuck said Blair must have been relieved when she realised that her pregnancy wouldn't ruin her fairytale and she replied: "This fairytale is complicated." Or when she murmurs just before she leaves: "Part of me really wanted it to be yours." I think there's enough there for Chair shippers to chew on for a while. The dog certainly seems to have worked, though, because later Chuck is seen lying on the bed crying. Luckily, he's got a pet to kiss on the head and cuddle (heartbreaking).
All that remains is for Blair to tell Louis - and he's thrilled! Turns out he just said he wasn't ready to protect Blair from the endless press questions about babies. Aww. They head off to celebrate, but not before Blair's hidden those pesky paternity test results. In a drawer. Oh dear, it's all going to come out in the wash, isn't it?
Meanwhile, Dan goes to confront Noah at a restaurant and is shocked to hear himself described as "the inspiration" for the lead character in Inside. He tries to stand up for himself and announces that he wrote the book. And, um, everyone claps. Turns out that Noah had set up the whole thing to get Dan to step up. He introduces Dan to his brand new editor, and later Dan gets sent a copy of the book with his name on it. This will totally end well.
But back at Rufus and Lily's, Carol is unhappily toasting Charlie/Ivy's return to the Upper East Side. Turns out she's going to be staying in Serena's old room. Carol can't stand it and retires to her bedroom, but on the way Charlie/Ivy promises to get her "grandmother" to reinstate Carol's access to the trust fund. Carol's fuming, though, and says Charlie/Ivy is on her own. Serena's pleased that Charlie/Ivy is back, but Charlie/Ivy is a bit worried - she's lost her phone. Must have left it at the party. Can you see what's coming?
Meanwhile, Nate and Diana are looking through the contents of all the phones they swiped but Nate points out that he didn't put one back because it didn't have a tag (um, yes, because that's a good reason to hold onto it). Anyway, whose phone could it be? Well, Nate doesn't know anyone called Ivy who would be getting a text message from a guy called Max... XOXO!
- Dorota and Dan make the most unconvincing team ever.
- "I'll tell the reporter you're undocumented."
- "Everyone goes off the rails at some point round here. It's practically a rite of passage."
- "I thought we'd lost you to the world of pole dancing classes and gluten free foods."
- At this point, Diana truly has no redeeming features whatsoever. She's completely unlikeable. Nate, get out of there!
- "All I do is play Angry Birds." Oh, Lily.
- Dan's face when he looked at Chuck's new dog. So cute.
- Speaking of faces, Blair's was absolutely brilliant this week. Particularly loved her "oops" expression after knocking Dan over, but she had several super moments.
- "She pick up shoes, not results!"
- Dan's book. Surely that's going to be published for real in the near future?
- "Have you seen what's on the bestseller lists? Unless you're friends with Rizolli and Isles or related to a bounty hunter, no-one will give a crap." Nice.
- "I need to be Grace Kelly, not Grace Coddington."
- "That's much more civilised. Unlike your hair, Humphrey. You look like a muppet."
- Lily reading Crime and Punishment. Amazing.
- Also, is it really that easy to get off house arrest? Yes, yes, I know Rufus was talking up all the meetings he'd had with lawyers, but hmm.
- So it seems like Diana's not Gossip Girl like some people thought, but a Gossip Girl rival. But she must be working with someone after all those mysterious phone calls - who?
- "I came from nothing. Everything here sparkles." Hmm.
- "Are you sure you didn't work for News Corp?" GOSSIP GIRL DOES SATIRE.
- OK, own up. Who thought Chuck was the father when Blair went to see him? (To be honest, I'm still not 100% convinced Louis is the daddy. Who knows with this show?)
- Chuck named his dog MONKEY. Really? I'm hoping for a Chuck and Monkey spinoff in which the pair get up to hilarious japes.
What did you think of the episode? Leave your comments below!